I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
