She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
