I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize