the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
