i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
