I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize