We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
