The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
