you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
