if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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