what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
