Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
