He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
