My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
