So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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