Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
