Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
