I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
