im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
