At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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