K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
