not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
