Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
