CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
