she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
