Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
