Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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