All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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