I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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