Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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