cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
