so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
