My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize