My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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