Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
just tell him i said nine months
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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