im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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