Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize