He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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