what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
