Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
foreskin is a definite game changer
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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