This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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