It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
