he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
