Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
