I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Someone signed my nipple.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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