We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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