Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
