um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
