We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
