It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
