Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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