you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
