4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
