Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
