Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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