I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
