Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
