hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
