I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
