I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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