Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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