the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
